Tourist Survival Guide

The Golden Rules of Gator Bay

• 01

  Never trust a man with no job and three phones.

  He is either a promoter, a 'consultant', or someone who is about to ask you for an investment. Walk away.

• 02

  If the car has no plates, it is either stolen or spiritually free.

  Do not accept rides from cars wrapped in chrome that lack proper registration. The police will pull you over, and you will walk home.

• 03

  If someone says "quick flip," your money is already gone.

  There are no quick flips in Gator Bay. Only long, drawn-out legal battles.

• 04

  The marina is where rich people hide bad decisions.

  Do not ask questions at the marina. Enjoy the view of the boats and ignore the screaming match on the dock.

• 05

  If your cousin knows a guy, update your will.

  Gator Bay is entirely run by "guys that someone knows." None of them are certified, licensed, or insured.

• 06

  White loafers mean either money or warrants. Sometimes both.

  Dress codes are strict but highly suspicious. Proceed with caution when dealing with men in white linen suits at 10 AM.

• 07

  Never argue with a tow truck driver.

  They already won. Hand over the cash and accept the loss. Fighting them only increases the fees.

• 08

  If the crypto meeting is at a car wash, leave.

  Legitimate businesses do not pitch blockchain solutions over the hum of power washers.

• 09

  In Gator Bay, the valet knows more than the police.

  If you need to find someone, tip the valet $50. He has their itinerary and their social security number.